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Pacific Fertility Center Los Angeles

Hating Your Body in The Midst of Infertility

By Pamela Madsen | October 29, 2012

When it comes to all things fertility, (trying to conceive, infertility, pregnancy and hopefully being  postpartum) our self image can really take a beating.  Most of us want to feel hot and sexy. We want earth-shattering  orgasms and to feel like those women look in those damn magazines  sipping a Margarita with smoky eyes who are about to have the most  incredible sex in the universe. Right? Maybe? Who knows – but sometimes I hate  them.

Seeing those images can make me feel confronted with what I  am not and leaves me with this feeling that I am not enough. More than  that – it is this feeling that I will never have in my life what I truly  want because I just don’t look like that.  And if you are in your  child bearing years – it can be really hard to look like that!

And what is it that I  want (woman not in her child bearing years)  – you may ask? It’s a simple thing really….I want to be deeply  desired, and feel free in my body. I want to be able to know that I am  sexy from the inside out and truly believe it – all the time! I want to  be able to walk around naked and not worry about my ass shaking in a bad  way! Perhaps this is simply universal – and not connected to fertility at all…

I want to get so lost in my own wanton sexiness that orgasms  flow from me like a water fall.  I don’t want much – I just want to  dance in my own inner sexy wildness! <em>Is that asking for so much?</em>

Lately,  I have really been confronted with my own self loathing. It is shocking  that I can still go to those places of calling myself names. After all,  this true confession is being spoken by a woman who has professed to  the world that I have conquered body shame and self acceptance by  embracing my sexuality.  Am I a fraud – or am I simply real and honest? The fact is – that I  have healed so much of the damage that I have walked around with for  most of my life when it comes to my body image and my sexuality – but  everyday as my feet touch the ground – it takes a little bit of courage  to love myself just as I am. And that is the truth – to say anything  else would be to over promise healing – like those 30 day miracle diets  on television.

Recently in  the<em> Wallstreet Journal</em> was a great article, <strong><a href=”http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748704111504576059823679423598.html”>Conquering Fear</a></strong> which is all about those nasty little voices in our heads that tell us  that we are not enough – that we are fat and stupid. That our bodies are  ugly – and that our boss hates us.

I know those tapes so well that I could sing a long! My book, “Shameless: How I Ditched The Diet, Got Naked, Found True Pleasure and Somehow Got Home in Time to Cook Dinner (Rodale  January 2011) is all about my funny, sexy, unconventional path to  falling in love with myself again in the most unbelievable way…. And I did.

This  is what I can promise. If you work on embracing who you are – every  single day just like a religious practice – things will change in your  world.

In so many ways – it is like developing a healthy eating  and exercising plan. There is a lot of self talk, and self encouragement  that needs to happen.</strong></a> I have to do it too – even now.  Especially now!  The voices of fear that tell us that we are not enough – or are broken  in some way – don’t ever really go completely away.

I hope that  by showing up and being honest about how I feel and how I move through  all of the hatefulness that I can throw at myself will inspire you to do  it too. The fact is that most of the time these days – I feel smoking! I  have a swagger to my step – and kick to my heels. I dress like a diva  with a wink! And I still feel bad about my neck a lot.  You see – I  still  have really big moments of self loathing. It’s all a part of the  process…..

Self Loving is a Practice. Let’s practice together.